The truth about Scotland

I'm back in Scotland to visit my family, and while I'm here I thought I'd clear up a few of the misconceptions and questions that my American friends may have.

Castles

All Scottish people live in castles — this is a practice that dates back to when we were clans at war. In the cities, a few people have started living in wood timbered town houses, but this is not yet a common practice.

Kilts

The national costume of Scotland is the kilt, and all men wear this daily. We don't wear anything under the kilt, which is a strange custom, due to the kilts flappability, and Scotland's windy nature.

People

There are only a few thousand Scottish people, so we know most of each other from the large parties that we all attend (called Ceilidh's). If you know a Scottish person, we probably are friends, so make sure to ask if we know them.

Haggis

Our national food is Haggis, which is a small animal, similar to the rabbit, that has evolved longer legs on one side so as to be able to graze on our steep hillsides. There are 2 sub-species, the clockwise and anticlockwise grazers which are unable to breed due to conflicting geometries.

Humour (spelt with a 'u' in the UK)

Like all British people, the Scots have a very dry sense of humour. We don't suffix our jokes with 'Just Kidding' as is the practise in America, so you may not realise we are joking. If you are offended by a joke, it is appropriate to challenge your opponent to a dual.